I Alienated My Kids Before I Was Alienated

I want to share an absolutely true story where I took part in the brainwashing of my children when they were young.

As I was making a sandwich yesterday I realized that several years ago I took on the roll as an Alienator. Growing up I hated mayonnaise; mustard or ketchup were my preferred condiments on sandwiches, burgers and other things. Mayonnaise was a big no-no for me, I hated it for whatever reason and I still feel the same way today.

As my three kids came along I decided to “train” them so I didn’t have to look at a mayonnaise jar every time I opened the refrigerator door. It was selfish of me but the decision was easy because I could see no real health benefit if my kids became mayonnaise lovers. The alienation of mayonnaise was actually easy. At home, I and my now ex-wife just wouldn’t buy it. When we took the kids to grandmas or a restaurant I would point out the evils of mayo and they would gladly order their burgers with mustard or ketchup. It actually became a thing in our house that if someone said the word mayonnaise the kids would start screaming “you said it, now you have to eat it!!! You have to eat it, you have to eat it!!”

Since my divorce I met the love of my life, and unfortunately she’s actually a mayonnaise eater. Early on I tried to get her to quit mayonnaise but she is a little stubborn and wouldn’t honor my request. I have decided that I can live with her one little flaw. When I was able to get my youngest son to come around us he was very reserved until she offered to make him a sandwich. When she asked if he wanted mayonnaise on it he muttered under his breath “you have to eat it”. That was an awkward thing to have to explain to my fiancée.

After my divorce I became a jar of mayonnaise to my kids, and it really sucks. I made my kids fear mayonnaise to the point that they could go on the Maury Povich show and be interviewed about their strange fear of mayonnaise. They might not be traumatized at the sight of mayonnaise but they certainly see it as the evil condiment.

So yes I admit it, I’ve used alienation tactics on my own children and it worked. After experiencing being severely alienated from my kids I have to wonder, is this actually the work of the Hellmann’s company seeking revenge?

I’d like to qualify that I am not poking fun at alienation, I’m just trying to keep it light and hopefully make someone laugh out loud today. Lord knows we all need to giggle a little!!!